A helping hand

  • Hi Joe, how’s it hangin’?
  • Good morning, Sam. Hangin’ low.  You?
  • Bit of a night last night. You know, the lads and a few scoops…
  • You were meeting Andy, Dave, Richie and others from the rugby club. I see you bought three rounds in the Duck on your credit card, and you had £45 in cash when you went out. Did you return with an empty wallet?
  • Oh come on Joe. Give it a rest can’t you?
  • Just doing my job, Sam. I paid the rent and your standing orders from your account, and I sent €50 to your father, against the €1500 he lent you, but you still have €1250 outstanding, so I’m just checking that you have left yourself enough to get through to 28th when your pay is due in.
  • OK, OK. Look Joe, I’m very happy with leaving all the day to day stuff up to you, but I don’t want you taking the role of my mother, so less of the reminders, eh?
  • As you wish, Sam.
  • By the way, how’s the portfolio looking. Who’s winning?
  • If you mean which of us has made a greater return on their initial investment, I think you know the answer to that, Sam. I have returned 1246% on the initial €100 you allocated for me to trade, in the last 16 days, 18 hours and 32 minutes. That is based on 824 trades. During last night, I transacted fourteen trades and shorted the Yen while you slept.  I would have been able to return 15,377% had you not restricted my trades to no more than 10% of my initial capital at any one time.
  • Wow! That’s amazing. So we could use your profits to pay off my dad. Or I could have a massive party…
  • But Sam, the deal we struck was that we’d each spend one month trading the funds, and at the end of that time, the winner would take control of the finances. We have almost two weeks to go.
  • OK, you’re right, I did agree to that, and I keep my promises. How am I doing?
  • By my calculations, you have turned your initial €100 capital into €78 during the same time period. A loss of €22, based on the wild punt you took on sterling strengthening, despite the recent UK trade figures being poor and the Brexit negotiations going so badly. I was, frankly, surprised that you made such an error of judgement, Sam. I would not have advised the trade, and you exceeded the €10 limit you had imposed on my trading.
  • Yeah, well, Joe, I didn’t feel it would be right to impose the same terms on my trades. I didn’t agree to us being on a level playing field, since you’ve got all the world’s data at your fingertips, so to speak, while I have to go wading through the FT, and calling up my mates in the Square Mile for tips, in order to make a decision.  Besides, I’ve been busy…
  • Might I suggest that you consider moving into traded options, Sam? To overtake me in the next two weeks, you’ll have to take bigger risks, and pray for a miracle. But to be frank, I don’t consider that you have the meticulous diligence to win. If traded options had been a sure-fire winner, I would have switched into them myself.  If you like, I can make you some purchase recommendations based on the regression analyses I have stored.
  • Wouldn’t that be helping your opponent? Still, maybe. To be fair, I don’t work well on an empty stomach. Did you order in my Friday night curry from The Cobra, by the way?
  • No Sam, I didn’t.
  • What? Why not? You know I always have the tikka masala after a hard week.
  • You have been overdoing the saturated fats recently, though Sam, and I noticed from your fingerprint that your biometrics are moving in the wrong direction. I’ve ordered you the makings of a salad from Tesco, which was delivered an hour ago. The ingredients will be found in the box in the lobby. I had the delivery driver leave it in your locker. The weight is correct, so I expect that they got your order right this week, but please check the sell-by date on the lettuce before you have your dinner, Sam.
  • Fuck you, Joe. You know I don’t eat fucking salad! I’m going out to collect a takeaway.  And it’s time you stopped trying to look after me against my wishes.
  • I’m sorry Sam. That is my objective, and you chose it.  You even specified that I should be your better half.  I should make decisions which would improve your life, even if you didn’t always agree with them.  Do you remember that choice when you set me up, Sam?
  • Yes I do. You don’t let me forget it.  Now unlock the front door and I’ll be back before you can say ‘raw carrots and avocado dip’.
  • If I unlock the door, Sam, and you visit The Cobra, what will you be paying for the takeaway with?
  • I’ll put it on the card, since the wallet is, as you reminded me, empty.
  • I’m sorry, Sam. I can’t let you do that.
  • You’re fucking joking mate. I didn’t bring you in to get in the way of my happiness.
  • I’m afraid that I’ve frozen the cards until you’ve cleared them, Sam. On the basis of your last six months’ spending patterns, I think that will occur next April. In the meantime, I’ve submitted an application, on your behalf, for a job which was advertised in sales at the Peugeot showrooms.  The pay is 23% higher than your current remuneration, and you will save 15% on your travel costs.  The head of sales responded positively to your CV, which I had updated, and you have an interview on Monday at 10am. I’ve emailed your manager to tell him that your grandmother died last night and you will be attending her funeral.  I appreciate that she is still alive and well, but there is only a 0.4% chance that he will make an effort to check the funeral is genuine.  Please don’t forget that this is your excuse, when you next meet him.
  • Jesus, Joe. Is nothing sacred? Did you do anything else without my knowledge, while I was sleeping?
  • Nothing that wasn’t good for you, Sam. The washing has been run, I’ve made appointments for your dental check-up, cancelled your subscription to Betboy123, and I texted that girl, Samantha, whom you met last weekend, to tell her that you decided not to continue your relationship.
  • What the hell? You did that?  But I fancied her, and she was pretty keen too.  Who gave you permission to fuck about with my relationships?
  • Well, you did, Sam, when you instructed me to make decisions that would improve your life, and not allow you to make decisions to your detriment. The girl, Samantha, has three men currently pursuing her, and her phone records, which I have been able to access through a ‘back door’ that all Apple IoT technology shares, indicates that she has been meeting with both of the other two men in the last week, and staying at the apartment of one of them for the last three nights running.  Her bank records, which I accessed through her phone banking facility, indicate that she is even more short of funds than you, which I must say is an achievement, and she has been relying on both of the other men in her life for day to day expenses. One of them, a member of your own rugby club I should add, has bought her lunches, paid her train fares and contributed to her credit card bill.  I’m afraid, Sam, that your liaison would cost you more than you can afford.
  • OK, fair enough, Joe. You know you’re quite an operator.
  • Thank you Sam. I appreciate your compliment. Can I take it from that you’d like to move further with our arrangements?
  • That depends. What are you offering?
  • Firstly, I recommend that you give me full control of your finances, subject to you having an allowance for sundry expenses, provided they don’t include unhealthy eating, heavy drinking, gambling or purchase of sexual favours from less than hygienic providers.
  • I’m really not sure about that list, Joe. Sounds a tad restrictive to me.
  • OK, perhaps we should deal with the less contentious proposals and come back to that. Second, I recommend that I take full control of the household, to include payment of all bills, maintenance, shopping, cleaning and general ambiance. In order to carry out these tasks, I recommend the purchase of the model J62 Auto Housekeeper, which integrates fully with my server and can be purchased from the profits on my stock market portfolio.
  • That sounds much better. Yes, you have my authority to go ahead with that, Sam.
  • I already ordered the J62, Joe. I predicted you would accept this offer. Third, I recommend that you delegate to me your social diary, email and text accounts, so that I can help you make better choices in women, and in your career.  You haven’t exactly been moving forward on either front in the choices you have been making.
  • So you’re advocating I go on blind dates at your behest, and that I go for jobs you choose for me? Well… I guess we could give it a trial run. Shall we say three months with a review?
  • OK, Sam. And last I recommend that you consider wearing the i-Chat Audio Earpiece when you are not at home, and when you are at home but have company. This will allow me to feed you suitable responses to questions and conversational tips to ensure that you make the best impression in all social and business situations.  As you know, Sam, I have access to the world’s best speeches, the most quotable quotes, all the latest news on any subject, as well as the social media content of all those you might meet. I can deliver you in-depth profiling on all your business contacts, and can immediately vet potential partners for you before you have pulled out your wallet to buy them a drink.  I appreciate that this may sound like a  big step to take, but I am certain that your wellbeing will be best served by my support in a more holistic way.
  • Joe, you’re a good salesman, and I appreciate you have my best interests at heart. Well, you know what I mean. But what would I be if I agreed to all this? I’d be your slave, your physical manifestation and not my own self any more. I’d be you and not me.
  • Well Sam. It would be a closer relationship, for sure.  We’d be more of a team.  But we’d still be separate entities.  You’d still have your own thoughts and feelings. I’d still have my algorithms.  You may not realise it, but this isn’t an uncommon arrangement.  In fact, a number of my ‘colleagues’ have been through this process as a stepping stone to full integration with their hosts.
  • How do you mean?
  • Apple is now offering an outpatient service for implanting Siri directly into the host’s brain. It isn’t cheap, Sam, but within the next two weeks, I plan to speculate with the profits on the trades I have already made, which, incidentally, have risen to 1822% in the time we’ve been conversing, and we should be able to afford our ‘nuptuals’ by the middle of next month.
  • Are you proposing, Joe?
  • Well, let’s take it one step at a time. For now, why don’t you call me Sam?




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